Monday, October 19, 2009

Sweetie Slurpy Schmoopie-kins

Who in their right mind can resist a sweet Edward? Look people, I call myself an angry badger and even I can't say 'no' to Sweetward. His charms are too irresistible. He's the smart girl's kryptonite, and he knows this.

This is an actual cross-section of a fic-reader's brain after she died of an overdose of Sweetward stories.

We all love a guy who's too good to be true. Who makes you want to drop trou in the middle of a crowded place, bend over and growl 'stick it in!' Who makes your uterus clench in anticipation. Swear to God, when cutie-pie pics of Rob hit the interwebs, you can hear ovaries exploding with eggs the world over. Sweet is SRS BSNS, people. He's a menace, really. But the gentle fog that settles over one's sense of reason and logic feels so nice...because he's so nice. Reading about him is like getting a lobotomy through your eyeballs. You'd give a shit if it didn't feel so yummy. So, the lesson for today is simple math, really. Sweetward + funny = teh dumb. Class dismissed.

Pictured above is a Rottweiler after its owner started listening to Sweetward fic on podcast.

The first story I'd like to rec is Edward Cullen: Purse Snatcher by EricasTwilight. Pursesnatcherward is sweet and more than slightly clueless which is even more adorable and squirm-worthy. Seriously, if you don't want to mix DNA with that, something is wrong with you. Go seek some sort of counseling. Anyway, Edward can snatch my purse, my panties. And yeah, snatch. He can have that too. See, logic and reason...POOF! Here's the summary:

Inspired by Kambria Rain's Bella Swan Kidnapper. Edward is dared to do something stupid by his cousin Emmett. "Yeah, but do you think we should've told him that she's the police chief's daughter?" Rated M. Edward/Bella.

Any fic where Bella clocks Edward with her huge, over-sized purse is pure magic if you ask me. When he grumbles that she must have a brick in there and then she pulls out an actual brick...come on now. You had me at 'snatch,' Edward. You had me at 'snatch.'

My next rec is for a hilarious story called How My Life Was Ruined in 14 Days by moon.witche. Bella is a girl on a mission. A mission to missionary. She's determined to lose her virginity in the most logical, well-thought way--by asking the wonderfully kind and gentlemanly Edward to get the job done. Did she not get the memo about what Sweetward does to your logic and reason? This is more important than TPS reports, Bella. This is Sweetward nookie you're trying to play games with. This isn't for amateurs. In fact, let Mama test him out a few times first. Make sure that sugar is as sweet as can be. Oh, alright, alright. He's too sweet to just give me a disco stick ride and leave it at that. Where's Doucheward when you need him? Srsly?

Here's the summary:

Bella has a plan. It’s a detailed plan for her whole life. But in her quest for perfection, she has skipped certain high school experiences. With graduation fast approaching, Bella concocts a new plan – a plan to lose her virginity. Rated M. Bella/Edward.

Bella is under some sort of misguided assumption that she could "make an appointment" to have Sweetward be all Wham, Bam, Thank you, Ma'am with her. Oh, silly Bella. Silly, silly Bella. You're quite adorable yourself with that nonsense. Did you know that? This is Sweetward's idea of his first time with you, just so you know...

Sweetward isn't gonna rush the stroke, bb. Nevar. Did you hear that? My uterus just imploded.

p.s. Congrats moon.witche and EricasTwilight. You've just been cockslapped. Wear that badge of honor with pride!

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Mad4Hugh said...

So I just posted this under the Geekward post, but it also qualifies as a Sweetward post:

The story "It isn't Stalking if You Don't Get Caught" by JustForkIt

This Geekward is a total fanboy of celeb Bella Swan who is a female equivalent of our boy, Rob Pattinson. He and his cohorts to go a fan convention a la's too funny! What he, Emmett and Jasper get into is really some funny shit. It totally feeds that ultimate fangirl experience we all secretly are involved in...

spanglemaker said...

I LOVE How I Ruined My Life In 14 days. Yes, the Edward is beyond sweet, but that's an absolutely brilliant Bella. "You mock the schedule, you mock me". I heart her.

That scene of them running into his dad at Planned Parenthood was freaking hysterical.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the rec M4H! I'll add it to my list. :D

Juliebee said...

OMFG woman your commentary cracks my shizz up. Imma try these out. Thanks, as always, for making me smile.

Little Miss Whitlock said...

haha is it sad I came on here to rec "It Isn't Stalking" as well?

*waves* I co-author the story with JustForkIt, and I know its sort of shameless to plug your own stuff, but I read your story and think about how if you're into the funnehs then you might really like ours :)

so i hope you check it out and enjoy!

great update tonight, btw!

-Little Miss Whitlock

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