Friday, November 6, 2009

Get Your Freak On Friday!

It's Friday again already? I'm surprised we're all still alive after an epic week of RobPr0n--again. Dude, this is ridiculous. This is panty terrorism at its worst. Are you trying to kill people? Srsly. Let's take a peek at some of the Vanity Fair loveliness, shall we?

"Hi, um...I'm ABG and I'm VF's official flosser. I see you're eating
corn. Let me help you get cleaned up. What's that? Yes, I realize
I'm not actually using floss but I've found that my tongue is much
more effective..."

Ahem. Moving on...

"Can I get under that blanket with you? I'm freezing.
Yes, I know being nude doesn't help. Don't question 
me, young man."
And lastly...

"Look at you in pajamas, all adorable and...
English-y! Makes me wanna knit you a 'jumper'
and make you tea for 'elevensies.' Did I mention
my fondness for parka peen? TMI? Sorry, my
good chap. Pip, pip and cheerio!"*

Alrighty, don't know about you, but I'm ready to get my freak on! So here's my GYFOF rec of the week...

by araeo

Work in Progress is an hilarious fic with lemons that make you forget your first name. Bella is delightfully snarky, lively and lovable. Edward has a few demons from his past but Bella coaxes out the best in him. The supporting characters, however, really steal the show. Emmett is a professional wrestler who eats his body weight in Brazilian barbecue (Bella calls him 'Meat Sweats,' come on, how can you not laugh at that?) Jacob is a pothead who hides his giant bong in Bella's apartment. And last but not least are the two sidekicks who we never actually see: Bella's talking ovaries. I simply adore this story, especially the lemons that make me break into a sweat myself.
The summary:

Bella, Edward and the usual suspects are adults living in Seattle. They hit it off after a klutzy accident and E awakens B's ovaries, who never hesitate to voice their pervy opinion in B's head. Rated M for language and lemons. AU/AH. Bella and Edward.

So there you have it...more Robaliciousness, lemons and sweating. Sounds like my typical Saturday night, at home alone with only some Two Buck Chuck to keep me company.

*Before all my English friends decide they now hate me, they should know that I'm being an idiot. I realize Brits don't actually talk like characters from Mary Poppins. (Only Rob does when I fantasize about him.) I was however, married to an Englishman briefly. Longest five minutes of my life. I kid! So yeah, I dig you people for real. And your parka peens.

Friday, October 30, 2009

funnee iz intellekshual

If you have a sense of humor (which I'm assuming you do otherwise I really have to wonder why you'd be reading this instead of, I don't know, organizing your sock drawer) then you're probably familiar with the concept of "jokes that tell themselves." Some things in life are just so absurd and freaky that all you need to do is point at it and say "WTF?" and everyone in the room will laugh. When you turn that practice into a style of comedy, you bring it to a whole new level of funny. If you want to be a little Miss FancyPants, you can use the technical name and call it parody or satire. The trick to good parody is to take those absurd things and showcase them in a way that illustrates how redonk the world can be. It's not as easy as it sounds...just ask Jonathan Swift. Well, he's dead so he probably won't answer but you get the point.

Anyhoo, there's parody everywhere, and fanfiction is the perfect place for it. Crackfic jokes certainly do write themselves sometimes. Contemplating what exactly Edward can do with his vampire speed makes me giggle. Reading someone poke fun at that idea in a story is even funnier. Don't judge me.

Twific has gotten to be so popular and with so many fics out there, it was inevitable that we start poking fun at ourselves. It's absurd in and of itself that a ficdom that's only a couple of years old already has cliché terms and phrases that are more over-used than Rob's gym socks. We all know what those clichés are, but let's run through them, shall we? Here's my top ten of lemon telling offenders:

10. ...went straight to my cock: I've never met a telepathic penis or even one that understood English so I'd betcha my last Krispy Kreme all a dude is gonna think to himself is simply 'my dick got really hard.' Don't make a penis any smarter than it really is. Not even Edward's. Yes, it has super powers but not those kinds. It also won't buy you flowers or read you poetry.

9. bobbing cock: OK, I'm picturing a rooster with its head bouncing up and down. Funny? Yes. Schmexy? Not so much.

8. popping the cock, ('p' cock for short): Please to be avoiding using so much vacuum pressure when you are making sucky that poor penis suffers centripetal force trauma. Penis says thank you. Man attached does too.

7. bundle of nerves: "Oy vey! I'm a bundle nerves right now from all this chazarai in my fanfic. What kind of schlemiel writes this?" Your 80 year old bubbie is not bringing sexy back. Just call it a clitoris.

6. twitching: Lots of things twitch in lemons. Someone ought to get the CDC on this, because there seems to be some widespread neurological contagion that's wreaking havoc on everyone's junk.

5. release: I have a law degree and this word makes me think of contract law and my cranky old professor with frizzy hair and chronic halitosis. Yeah, girl boner shrinker. Orgasm works. Personally, I love them.

4. cock milking: No comment. See picture.

3. folds: No folds. Folds are for laundry and origami. Unless you're writing about folding a towel into an origami vagina, don't go there. Actually, that would make a pretty hot lemon. Edward. Lonely. Horny. With a hand towel and a knack for making intricate napkin shapes. Mmhmm.

2. ministrations: Honestly, I don’t even know what this word means. I think even Webster gave up on it and hasn’t had it in the dictionary since Cotton Mather and the Salem witch trials—back when you’d get stoned and they would continue their stoning ministrations until you were very dead. (No jokes about ‘pebbled' flesh from the peanut gallery.)

And my number one fic lemon cliché is none other than…

1. bridal style: unless Edward broke both of Bella’s ankles when he was pushing them to either side of her head for maximum thrusterage, please don’t make him carry her ass everywhere, at least not with that phrase. You know, its connotation was cute and romantic sounding back in the day. But 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 uses of this thing has made it so old and fatigued, it really wants to retire to Del Boca Vista where it can lie on a pool lounger in polyester shorts and black socks pulled up to its knees.

Speaking of bridal style—I’d like to spread the word about a fic one-shot contest related to this very concept. The description of the contest is as follows:

We want the most schmaltzy, harlequin-esque lemon you can come up with. We want it hard and hot and bulging with turgid members and aching cores. So break out your favorite naked Fabio covered romance novel and scour the pages for inspiration. We want to see Edward's swollen manhood pillaging Bella's womanly depths, or Jasper's dexterous tongue laving Alice's throbbing nipples with abandon. We want throaty groans and delicate sighs and dialogue filled with saccharine sweet endearments. Tear us asunder with your protuberance, darlings. Do it. We are breathless with anticipation.

So there you have it. The top ten list of corny, overused and just plain no good. There’s a few fics out there that mercilessly abused that list. The worst are even by the same author. Public enemies numbers one through four:
Housemating Season
Apples and Oranges
The Naked Guy Upstairs
and Frenemies

I wish that writer would toss her laptop into a bathtub full of water. While she’s in it. That’ll get her twitching. And bobbing.

Get Your Freak On Friday!

Are you ready party people? Cos I know I need to get my freak on. After the New Moon kiss footage, looped mp3's of said kissing smacks and groaning noises (thank you CherryCella for providing the world a soundtrack to every lemon ever written--a bit of brilliance on your part!) and HQ stills of the NM kiss...I think we're all in agreement that the word of the day is CUMSPLOSION and what better way to celebrate the spirit of your exploding lady bits than by enjoying some humorous lemonade?

My rec for this week is for a story that has the perfect balance of UST, romance, snark, angst and a wee bit of taboo. Just a teeny smidge, if you will, but it's all good because it would be a boring world indeed if things weren't a little on the naughty with that, I present to you...

by LittleSecret84

Bella and Edward have a really interesting dynamic here. He's ten years her senior with that much more life experience, yet she's someone who's extremely mature for her age--the type with an "old soul" who's also bright and perceptive beyond her years. Now, to add to this is Edward's somewhat stunted emotional maturity for a man of 26. What that comparative imbalance in them as individual people creates is a really clever level-playing field for them as a couple. The characterization here and how carefully it's been crafted really does demonstrate that sometimes, age really is just a number.

Now for the good part: the lemons in this thing? Yeah. Insane. The UST between these two--created by the dillemma circumstances place them--her age, his job status as her boss, etc., make the taboo and the effort to resist the taboo element of the story approximately eleventy gajillion times hotter than your average lemon when these two finally do give in to their mutual attraction.
Here's the summary:
Bella is almost 17 and begins an internship at the Clallam County District Court one summer. She's infatuated with her boss, Edward, a 26 year old attorney who drives her to and from work. The tension is there on Day 1, let's see where it will take them. Rated M. Bella/Edward.

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Fandom Gives Back

Hey Everyone! I'm posting this on behalf of The Fandom Gives Back, a fundraiser that's being held for Alex's Lemonade Stand. Please support this worthy cause by reading their mission statement and clicking on the links below to find out what you can do to help fight childhood cancer. An online friend of mine lost a nine month old baby to leukemia, and it was the most heart wrenching, fucked up thing I've ever witnessed happen to another mother, so this is something really near and dear to me. Thanks for reading.

Dear friends, fans, and followers,

Did you know that every year over 200,000 children worldwide are diagnosed with a form of childhood cancer? We cannot ignore this shocking statistic impacting the youth of the world, and we certainly hope that you won’t either. We need your help.

Starting Nov. 15th, through Nov. 20th, you will have the opportunity to help in the fight against childhood cancer. We haven't set a monetary goal because we're firm in the belief that no matter what we set, you will surpass it.

Running this virtual stand is the biggest challenge we have ever faced – the challenge of raising awareness of just how serious the epidemic of childhood cancer is.
The money raised will go to Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation for Childhood Cancer, a 501(c)3 public charity, to fund childhood cancer research projects. The mission of Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation is to raise funds and awareness of childhood cancer causes, primarily to support research into new cures and treatments; to encourage and educate others, especially children, to raise money for childhood cancer by holding their own lemonade stands; and to expedite the process of finding new cures and treatments, and bringing them to children with cancer now.

Please help support our efforts and this critically important cause by making a contribution through our virtual stand. You can make your donation online by visiting our Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation Fundraising page: Twilight Fandom Gives Back Donation Page.
You can also help us by passing this message along to others who may be interested in visiting our virtual stand, or holding one of their own!
Thank you for your support.

ninapolitan, lolashoes & tby789
Nina, Lola & Christina

P.S. you can find out more about Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation’s by visiting

Friday, October 23, 2009

Get Your Freak On Friday!

TGIF, party people! Here's my lemonrific rom/com rec for today...
by booboo.kitty2.0

This is an AU story with Vampward and human Bella trying to figure out how to have an intimate relationship without Edward being such a wuss and Bella being sent to the emergency room. The lemons are unbelievably hot and the sexy humor is just plain win. At the start of this little 'acclimation project,' Edward destroys one of Esme's couches while getting his first ever...chicken choking from Bella. The funniest part of this story, however, is the thoughts Edward gets bombarded with from his vamp family. I won't spoil it, but trust, it is ridiculously funny. And did I mention the lemons were off the chain? Oh and it's complete for you poorly trained h00rz who cannot wait for your release!

Here's the summary:

All told from EPOV, The Acclimation Diaries chronicles Edward’s struggles with learning control and taking things one step at a time as he acclimates to Bella sexually in preparation of their impending wedding night. Can he keep his desire in check or will his snap? Rated M. Bella/Edward.

Congrats, BooBoo--you've been cockslapped.

Have a great weekend everyone. Oh, and a BIG thank you to Julie from for spiffing the place up for me. Is she amazing or what? This blog looks so presentable, I almost feel like I don't belong here! I love you Julie, thank you.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Sweetie Slurpy Schmoopie-kins

Who in their right mind can resist a sweet Edward? Look people, I call myself an angry badger and even I can't say 'no' to Sweetward. His charms are too irresistible. He's the smart girl's kryptonite, and he knows this.

This is an actual cross-section of a fic-reader's brain after she died of an overdose of Sweetward stories.

We all love a guy who's too good to be true. Who makes you want to drop trou in the middle of a crowded place, bend over and growl 'stick it in!' Who makes your uterus clench in anticipation. Swear to God, when cutie-pie pics of Rob hit the interwebs, you can hear ovaries exploding with eggs the world over. Sweet is SRS BSNS, people. He's a menace, really. But the gentle fog that settles over one's sense of reason and logic feels so nice...because he's so nice. Reading about him is like getting a lobotomy through your eyeballs. You'd give a shit if it didn't feel so yummy. So, the lesson for today is simple math, really. Sweetward + funny = teh dumb. Class dismissed.

Pictured above is a Rottweiler after its owner started listening to Sweetward fic on podcast.

The first story I'd like to rec is Edward Cullen: Purse Snatcher by EricasTwilight. Pursesnatcherward is sweet and more than slightly clueless which is even more adorable and squirm-worthy. Seriously, if you don't want to mix DNA with that, something is wrong with you. Go seek some sort of counseling. Anyway, Edward can snatch my purse, my panties. And yeah, snatch. He can have that too. See, logic and reason...POOF! Here's the summary:

Inspired by Kambria Rain's Bella Swan Kidnapper. Edward is dared to do something stupid by his cousin Emmett. "Yeah, but do you think we should've told him that she's the police chief's daughter?" Rated M. Edward/Bella.

Any fic where Bella clocks Edward with her huge, over-sized purse is pure magic if you ask me. When he grumbles that she must have a brick in there and then she pulls out an actual brick...come on now. You had me at 'snatch,' Edward. You had me at 'snatch.'

My next rec is for a hilarious story called How My Life Was Ruined in 14 Days by moon.witche. Bella is a girl on a mission. A mission to missionary. She's determined to lose her virginity in the most logical, well-thought way--by asking the wonderfully kind and gentlemanly Edward to get the job done. Did she not get the memo about what Sweetward does to your logic and reason? This is more important than TPS reports, Bella. This is Sweetward nookie you're trying to play games with. This isn't for amateurs. In fact, let Mama test him out a few times first. Make sure that sugar is as sweet as can be. Oh, alright, alright. He's too sweet to just give me a disco stick ride and leave it at that. Where's Doucheward when you need him? Srsly?

Here's the summary:

Bella has a plan. It’s a detailed plan for her whole life. But in her quest for perfection, she has skipped certain high school experiences. With graduation fast approaching, Bella concocts a new plan – a plan to lose her virginity. Rated M. Bella/Edward.

Bella is under some sort of misguided assumption that she could "make an appointment" to have Sweetward be all Wham, Bam, Thank you, Ma'am with her. Oh, silly Bella. Silly, silly Bella. You're quite adorable yourself with that nonsense. Did you know that? This is Sweetward's idea of his first time with you, just so you know...

Sweetward isn't gonna rush the stroke, bb. Nevar. Did you hear that? My uterus just imploded.

p.s. Congrats moon.witche and EricasTwilight. You've just been cockslapped. Wear that badge of honor with pride!

Here's the banner siggy linking code stuff:


Saturday, October 17, 2009

l33t <3 Cos the Nerds Need Love, too (and so does the fic that features them)

So for today's recs, I thought I'd highlight those Rom-Com's that put Nerdward and Geekella front and center. And then get them humping. Cos awkward, nervous, bumbling lovemaking is rich with comedy and, c'mon, it's pretty freaking sweet too.

I also doesn't hurt that Rob has been in some of the most geektastic movie roles of all time. Nothing gets a 5 alarm fire going down below like the sight of a hot, yet completely awkward, tasty little geek giblet. And Rob brings the NERDHAWTNESS like no other actor I've seen.

I've said it many times, but I'll say it again. If I had my choice between this dude:

Hello, my name is Edward Cullen, and I'm so angsty, my name really should be Emo Crybaby. Cos that's what I am. This is the skin of a clit-blocking, self-loathing monster. Who glitters. And dazzles. But won't have sex with you.

And THIS dude:

Hello, I'm Daniel and I'm awkward but in love with you. Let me tell you about the health benefits of the chocolates I urge you to eat because you'll always be pretty to me. I can't quite articulate that sentiment very well because I'm dorky. I do feel that way, though, and that makes me very lovable. And here are some flowers. I only dropped them twelve times trying to hand them to you. Sex will be strange and horrible at first, but like all geeks, I'm patient, detail oriented and have a compulsive drive to succeed. I'll memorize every piece of info regarding lovemaking until your hooha is shouting with ecstacy from the rooftops.

I mean, really, ladies, is there even a real choice to be made here? I would take one look at Emo Crybaby and tell him not to let the door hit his stone ass on his way out. That's because I would be quietly ushering Daniel into the nearest dark corner to do unspeakably filthy things to him.


So, today's recs are all about the nerd lovin...

Geek Love, written by SassenachWench, is a funny, quirky love story about two computer geeks whose playful friendship turns into something more. This Edward is just ten kinds of sweet and patient in allowing Bella to set the pace in their relationship. He's just win. And seriously, if you don't like Sweetward fic, just click that little 'x' up the corner cos this blog is no place for the likes of you. Anyhoo, here's the summary for Geek Love:

Bella Swan is the quirkiest, most zombie-loving, geek-tastic girl Edward Cullen has ever met. They're best friends at the office, but he wants more. Will Bella let him in to her dark past, and maybe even her heart? Rated M. Bella/Edward.

Next, my lovelies, is a fic very near and dear to my heart. Because Edward is complete geek. WITH A TATTOO. AND BLACK FRAMED GLASSES. Excuse me Geekward, I'm in need of a little mouth to HeyNow resuscitation. Can ya help a sister out, bb? Yeah? kk. Meet me in back of Fry's in 20 minutes. Of course we can shop for motherboards after. What do you take me for, some kind of floozy?

I'm sorry, my fantasies put me in stream of consciousness mode there for a second. What was I talking about? Oh yeah...

Reunion, by KeepersoftheNaughtySparkle, is collaboration between three very lovely and talented ficsters who have managed to create a Geekward so hot and romantic that I just wanna meet him in back of Fry's in 20 minutes. But aside from that, the story is also really funny, romantic and sweet. Bella and Edward are high school friends who secretly crushed on each other like crazy but never had the nerve to do anything about it. They meet up again years later at their high school reunion and their old chemistry is revived again, but this time, they waste no time in acting on it. It's a fun read with lovable characters. Here's the summary:

Edward, once a geek, and Bella secretly crushed on each other since high school. Can their 10 year reunion bring them together? Is one night enough to squelch a decade old passion or will it fan the flames into an unquenchable fire. Lemony. Rated M. Edward/Bella.

So there you have it. Nerd Love. It's l33t, FTW, and it pwns me hardcore.

p.s. hey bitches, come and got your cock-slappin. See the post below this one. ;o)

Friday, October 16, 2009

Hey Look!

If I rec your fic, you get to display this banner siggy! WOW! It's a lot like the way I like my porn...totally amateur'ish and crudely done. Don't judge me.

Here's link codes. Don't say I never did anything for ya. Seriously.

Just copy/paste into your siggy if ya like bragging about being cock slapped. What? Don't look at me like that. You read the M rated fic too, Miss PrissyBritches.

EDITED: I'm happy to report that my good friend Yanxxx has saved me some embarrassment by making me a nice banner siggy. Never have the word "cock slapped" graced something so artistic and pleasing to the eye. Check this out!

The link codes should be the same since I just replaced the image on photobucket using the same file name and all that good stuff.

New Stuff!


I would be remiss if I didn't give props to where props are due. Nothing feeds the horn dog lemon writer within like some good ole Rob ogling. Today was a banner day for RobPr0n. Women gasped. Angels wept. Shamwow manufacturers did the Meepos Dance of Joy.

Oh so pretty. Teh Pretteh is soooo pretty, yes?

So there I am, thinking, wow, this is inspiring cos that Smirky McSmirkles look + treasure trail + fingerpr0n is enough to get me going, right? Oh no. It's gets hotter. Crazier. Shamwow-ier.

I.AM.DIED. Tell my children I love them. Mommy's in a better place now.

You, Mr. Pattinson, are no shy, nerdy, 'I'd sooner stay in and read a book' geeky type, my friend. You are the Ted Kaczynski of clean panties, decent morals, and female self-control. And I love you for it. Oh yes, Mama likey. Cos FingerPr0n + VeinPr0n + Treasure Trail = Holy Trifecta of Hawt.

So, without further ado, allow me to introduce a new segment to the blog. It's something I stole from my friend Shandra called...

Get Your Freak On Friday!

Every Friday, I'll rec or pass on a rec for a fic that is DRRRRRTY. It's still got humor but yeah, whatever, who cares. Cos them lemons be BURSTIN' with freshness, yo.

The first ever rec for GYFOF goes to...

by the very talented NorthernLights17

Description: Bella Swan, personal Assistant to handsome, rich, successful Edward Cullen, decides to take her friends advice and make her oblivious boss fall in love with her. AU/AH. Rated M. B/E.

I can't say enough good things about this fic, honestly. When the first paragraph is a lemon that makes you instinctively cross your legs, yeah. That's the shit right there, babies.

*blogger's note* Big up's to my girl Tonya for introducing me to the wonders of Shamwow'isms.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

This One's a Two-fer!

Second Post Evar: Part the First

Read this Shiz cos it's funny.

The Screamers by KiyaRaven. Here's the summary:

Living on the streets is hard for Bella Swan, but not as hard as putting up with Edward Cullen when he drags her into his lifestyle of sex, drugs and Rock and Roll. Will they be able to help each other before they kill eachother? Cursing/sex/dark themes. Rated M. Edward & Bella.

I think this fic is just laugh out loud hilarious. The chemistry between E/B is also fantastically woven into the humor. Just really well done.

Second Post Evar: Part the Second

OK, Imma beg for a second. If anyone is bored and has blogger knowledge, I will send you Skittles if you helpabitchout. Seriously. I'm dying over here.

Hello! First Post Evar.

OK, soooo. I noticed there aren't a whole lot of blogs out there for TwiFic writers whose stories are categorized as humor. So I decided to finally do something with my blogger account and actually blog.

I want to rec fic that I like and hopefully get recs from people who actually stop and read this. Those kind souls are very generous with their precious time reading whatever I have to say. So Imma be nice right back and read what they enjoy too.

Now, let's get some preliminaries out of the way, I guess. I myself love the funneh. I love all kinds of funny. It doesn't have to be high-brow or even remotely intelligent for me to laugh. It can be downright stupid and I'll crack up. So, I would define humorous fic in a fairly broad way--it can snarky, witty, slap-stick'ish, all the way to redonk crackfic. Mama will read it. And laugh. But it has to be good. Just 'cause someone says it's funny doesn't mean it is. But I digress. My point is, when it comes to humor in TwiFic, I'm not picky about the type, just the quality.

S0 yeah. There you go. Let the chuckles, yuks, giggles, snorts, milk out the nose chortles, and belly laughs commence.