Sunday, January 31, 2010

Took Me Long Enough...TWSS

Better late than never, huh? Yeah, I know. Even Edbert doesn't approve of my fuckery.
What can I say? The holiday season totally blew up my to-do list and then buggered it up the behind and did a tap dance on it. I stink at time management, I really do. It almost feels like New Year's Day was a couple of days ago...but alas. Tomorrow is February. Goht Dayum. Where does the time go? Quit hiding from me, motherfucker.

Anyway, time for me to rec some more humor fics for you people. I have two stories that are making me bust the gut I gained gorging myself on Christmas cookies. Yeah, New Year's Resolution. You heard me. I said it 'gut.' STOP JUDGING ME. Why am I repeatedly talking to inanimate concepts like time and new year's resolutions? Hmmm. Oh that's right. No one else to talk to. I HAVE TO MAKE UP IMAGINARY, INTANGIBLE FRIENDS. How sad is that?

Alright, where the hell was I? Oh yeah...on with the fuckery wreckery. I mean fickery rec'ory.

by SnowWhiteHeart

Oh. Mah. Gah. I know I've written a blog post about great Geekward fics before...but I think this one might be the one that pwns them all. SRSLY. All my base are belong to this story. Edward is beyond geeky. He is Edward the Über Dweeb. (See, I even put the umlaut on the 'u' and everything cos I pretty fucking nerdy myself.) But he is unbelievably hilarious, as is his lady love, the fair Bella—a nerdette he meets online while playing World of Warcraft. Here's a snippet from the very first page...I was laughing, seriously, three sentences into this thing:

Leveling up mining is really tedious. All I do is fly around on my epic mount and look for little mustard-colored splotches on my screen. I tell myself I’m doing it for the gold, but in reality, I’m just killing time until she logs on. Thirty seconds to go until her usual 3:22 pm arrival. In Phoenix, kids get out of school at 3, unlike here in Forks, where we get out at an awkward 2:26. Why the extra minute, I wonder, sipping my juice-box. Today was the last day of school for both of us. Summer vacation stretched before me—a respite from my private torture chamber that is Forks High, home of the Spartans. My thoughts are interrupted by a bright yellow alert. She’s on! My fingers nearly shook as I typed.

/w PrettyFowl “Hey sugar.”

A bright pink answer returned to my screen.

“teddy! /hugs”

I sighed, happily. This was the world I was comfortable in. Not high school, where people avoided my cold glare and shuddered when I walked by. Not in my home, where my brothers teased me endlessly for being a recluse. This is my world, the World of Warcraft, and I, the dwarf paladin StoneMasen, am the master of the freaking universe.

You read that right. Edward Cullen...sipping a juice box. My Cheezits, people, I nearly peed my pants. I'm just happy there was a Geekward Shuffle Challenge and that SWH entered it and decided to turn this one-shot of pure funny into a multi-chapter fic. And for the few of you who get all the nerd references in this story: I hope to God you leave your house every once in a while.

Here's the description.

GEEKWARD SHUFFLE CHALLENGE WINNER! Lonely Edward finally found a place where he fits in—the World of Warcraft. He meets a girl from Phoenix, and when she moves to Edward’s neck of the woods, the nerdy sparks fly like lightsabers clashing. M for language
Rated: M, Bella and Edward

My next fic rec is for a story written by an author who really needs no introduction. Cos if someone needs to explain to you who wrote Poughkeepsie, you're probably on a deserted island somewhere with no internet access anyway.

by MrsTheKing

Take an embarrassing problem, an embarrassing situation involving said embarrassing problem, combine it with a well-meaning yet completely socially-stunted, handsome pharmacist, add a generous helping of a luckless Bella, mix them up and you get GYNAZOLE. This thing is like There's Something About Mary, but told from a woman's point of view. And well, it's Twilight fanfiction and not a movie. Stick with me people, I'm trying to make a point here. I think.

Listen, this thing is full of crude jokes about bodily functions but you just don't care because it's written with so much humor but also with a pinch of...okay, I'm gonna sound like a completely pretentious asshat but I need to show off my vocabulary skillz every once in a while or the student loans I'm still paying off just wouldn't be worth it. The story is written with humor and pathos, you dig? Pathos, like a type of sympathetic connection you feel for the character and what they're going through. It actually makes stuff funnier. Trust me, it just does. You need dual PhDs in Tomfoolery and Jiggery Pokery to understand. It's very complex. But like all pretentious asshats, I digress...

Let me show you an excerpt. Just to set up: Bella needs a prescription filled for a...feminine ailment. Edward is her pharmacist.

“Ok, Ms. Swan GYNAZOLE is not a soap. It will not work if you put it in and then rinse it off in the shower.” He began patting the prescription paper to emphasize his words.

Oh God. We’re talking about me being naked, in the shower with cooter crème. Please world end. Kill me.

“I know it’s not soap. I just… if it’s scented… I can’t do scented. Flowers and stuff like that. Fruit flavored soaps make… things… burnish.” She could tell from the peeks at his face Mr. Cullen had never stepped foot in Bath and Body Works and wanted to try the array of fun fragrances. Nor had he purchased Peppermint Twist shower gel, foamed up his nether regions and felt like he had dipped them in lava. Bella crossed and uncrossed her legs at the memory.

Mr. Cullen seemed concerned. “Ok, just a heads up. It’s definitely not good to put any fruits or plant life near your genitals.” He made a ‘V’ with his two hands and formed his own pretend vagina in front of his pants.

Again, you read that right. Edward Cullen...made a pretend vagina with his fingers. MTK knows how I feel about Edward's vagina pantomiming. It makes me simultaneously want to laugh and smack him upside his pretty bronze-haired head. The jokes just go on and on in this one, so consider yourself warmed. PEE FIRST, PEOPLE. S'ALL I'M SAYIN.

The summary:

Bella has to fill an embarrassing prescription. Mr. Cullen is the pharmacist there to greet her. Rated M for every reason my twisted mind can come up with. God help us if there is a lemon. Rated: M, Bella and Edward

There you go. Two funny fic recs and you only had to wait like 347,980,867,597,536,549,097 months for them. HAPPY DAY!