Friday, October 30, 2009

funnee iz intellekshual

If you have a sense of humor (which I'm assuming you do otherwise I really have to wonder why you'd be reading this instead of, I don't know, organizing your sock drawer) then you're probably familiar with the concept of "jokes that tell themselves." Some things in life are just so absurd and freaky that all you need to do is point at it and say "WTF?" and everyone in the room will laugh. When you turn that practice into a style of comedy, you bring it to a whole new level of funny. If you want to be a little Miss FancyPants, you can use the technical name and call it parody or satire. The trick to good parody is to take those absurd things and showcase them in a way that illustrates how redonk the world can be. It's not as easy as it sounds...just ask Jonathan Swift. Well, he's dead so he probably won't answer but you get the point.

Anyhoo, there's parody everywhere, and fanfiction is the perfect place for it. Crackfic jokes certainly do write themselves sometimes. Contemplating what exactly Edward can do with his vampire speed makes me giggle. Reading someone poke fun at that idea in a story is even funnier. Don't judge me.

Twific has gotten to be so popular and with so many fics out there, it was inevitable that we start poking fun at ourselves. It's absurd in and of itself that a ficdom that's only a couple of years old already has cliché terms and phrases that are more over-used than Rob's gym socks. We all know what those clichés are, but let's run through them, shall we? Here's my top ten of lemon telling offenders:

10. ...went straight to my cock: I've never met a telepathic penis or even one that understood English so I'd betcha my last Krispy Kreme all a dude is gonna think to himself is simply 'my dick got really hard.' Don't make a penis any smarter than it really is. Not even Edward's. Yes, it has super powers but not those kinds. It also won't buy you flowers or read you poetry.

9. bobbing cock: OK, I'm picturing a rooster with its head bouncing up and down. Funny? Yes. Schmexy? Not so much.

8. popping the cock, ('p' cock for short): Please to be avoiding using so much vacuum pressure when you are making sucky that poor penis suffers centripetal force trauma. Penis says thank you. Man attached does too.

7. bundle of nerves: "Oy vey! I'm a bundle nerves right now from all this chazarai in my fanfic. What kind of schlemiel writes this?" Your 80 year old bubbie is not bringing sexy back. Just call it a clitoris.

6. twitching: Lots of things twitch in lemons. Someone ought to get the CDC on this, because there seems to be some widespread neurological contagion that's wreaking havoc on everyone's junk.

5. release: I have a law degree and this word makes me think of contract law and my cranky old professor with frizzy hair and chronic halitosis. Yeah, girl boner shrinker. Orgasm works. Personally, I love them.

4. cock milking: No comment. See picture.

3. folds: No folds. Folds are for laundry and origami. Unless you're writing about folding a towel into an origami vagina, don't go there. Actually, that would make a pretty hot lemon. Edward. Lonely. Horny. With a hand towel and a knack for making intricate napkin shapes. Mmhmm.

2. ministrations: Honestly, I don’t even know what this word means. I think even Webster gave up on it and hasn’t had it in the dictionary since Cotton Mather and the Salem witch trials—back when you’d get stoned and they would continue their stoning ministrations until you were very dead. (No jokes about ‘pebbled' flesh from the peanut gallery.)

And my number one fic lemon cliché is none other than…

1. bridal style: unless Edward broke both of Bella’s ankles when he was pushing them to either side of her head for maximum thrusterage, please don’t make him carry her ass everywhere, at least not with that phrase. You know, its connotation was cute and romantic sounding back in the day. But 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 uses of this thing has made it so old and fatigued, it really wants to retire to Del Boca Vista where it can lie on a pool lounger in polyester shorts and black socks pulled up to its knees.

Speaking of bridal style—I’d like to spread the word about a fic one-shot contest related to this very concept. The description of the contest is as follows:

We want the most schmaltzy, harlequin-esque lemon you can come up with. We want it hard and hot and bulging with turgid members and aching cores. So break out your favorite naked Fabio covered romance novel and scour the pages for inspiration. We want to see Edward's swollen manhood pillaging Bella's womanly depths, or Jasper's dexterous tongue laving Alice's throbbing nipples with abandon. We want throaty groans and delicate sighs and dialogue filled with saccharine sweet endearments. Tear us asunder with your protuberance, darlings. Do it. We are breathless with anticipation.

So there you have it. The top ten list of corny, overused and just plain no good. There’s a few fics out there that mercilessly abused that list. The worst are even by the same author. Public enemies numbers one through four:
Housemating Season
Apples and Oranges
The Naked Guy Upstairs
and Frenemies

I wish that writer would toss her laptop into a bathtub full of water. While she’s in it. That’ll get her twitching. And bobbing.


Anonymous said...

I luvz yous.

Rie said...

You forgot eyes rolling back in their heads, trying to gain friction, pooling panties (W.T.F.), 'Cum Hard, Cum Now!' (I like to call it climax-on-demand), three long spurts, his 'member' (like his cock belongs to a credit union), midnight blue lacy boyshorts, sniffing and stealing said boyshorts, Gahhh! & Unghhh!, swallowing around cock while deep throating (because hell yes everyone can do that fellatio feat) and 'Scream my name, Bella...scream it LOUD (what the hell, is the boy deaf?).

I've made this my mission, busting the ff cliches. Very fun, great list, and you really should read my Touch and Voracious.


Anonymous said...

Bwahaha yes.. those four fics you mentioned are just awful with the shmaltz aren't they ;o)

Nooo nevah!

Lub u!

Sarah said...

Ha! I have tears from laughing so hard. I also hate indian style and popping the p, just to name a couple.

Yeah, the author of HS, A&O, TNGUS and Frenemies should be ashamed of herself!

*whispers* you just named four of my favourite fics ;)

I wonder why I'm not getting notified when you update.. hmm.

Heather said...

I luv u bb! And after reading that list, I found myself LMAO. And you just so happened to have named four of my fave fics too.

margot said...

well, of course there is much more (as those rolling eyes ect). From my non-native English point of view it seems possible to make a collage of cliches and write a brand new fic containing only 10% of new material - so many of them exist

Nita said...

Bobbing the cock always has me picturing a sparring match between Bella and a person sized penis...Bella's ducking and punching, the cock is bobbing and side stepping.

Eyes rolling up in their heads, never understand that one. I'm picture a seizure. Seizure's not usually being an expression of schmexy happiness.

I thought for sure, with the frequency it's used, that I was the only person who loathes "folds".

Last and not least, there are a lot of teeth in FF blowjobs. My DH? Not so fond of teeth. Who are these men who want your pearly whites dragging up their "shaft"?

spellbound said...

I have a new favorite blog!! I'm sitting at work (yes, I'm a bad, bad worker...), with tears pouring out of my eyes!! The "cock milking" pic finished me off! I've never read any of those ff's you mentioned...and honestly, now probably won't! lol The last 3 sentences...about the laptop & a bathtub full of water, twitching & bobbing...lmfao...You are too funny!

booklover08 said...

Ok, this is an oldie but soooo good that I laughed until I cried! God, I needed a good laugh! and then my husband asked what the hell I was doing and I could only keep on laughing - thanks, I needed that!! ;)